As many of you already know, from the twitterverse, I went to go visit family and the experience surprised me. And now I just want to vent for a bit.
The main reason for my trip was to go visit my grandmother, who will be turning 90 years old in a few months. Her health isn’t great, but she’s actually doing well. Every few months my mom goes down to visit and sometimes she says “Hey, instead of a birthday/anniversary/whatever present, how about I buy you some plane tickets and you come with me to visit Grandma?” The answer is always “Hells Yeah!”
I probably wouldn’t make time to get down there otherwise. There’s always something that’s “super pressingly important” in the way. Nothing’s ever really as important as it seems until you get down to what actually matters. Family, friends, and finding joy. But, family, as many of us know, can be incredibly supportive or your worst critic. My immediate family – Mom, Sister, Dad, Husband – all tell me, “You’re beautiful.” and “I don’t really understand how your whole art career path is going to work, but I’m proud of you and want to see you succeed anyway.”
Then there’s the extended family members. My uncle, in particular, I have always found very intimidating and have generally dealt with by staying quietly out of the way. Well… now that I’m a “grown-up” conversation seems to be required. And with conversation, comes criticism. Which I don’t really deal with well.
I’ll fill you in a little on the details leading up to what broke me for a minute first.
I have always been a heavier girl. Curves for days, and yes, always on the fluffy side. My mother and sister are both naturally thin and find joy in working out regularly. So they’re fit. Little sis seriously has a six pack. I’ve generally been able to keep up with them though. Biking, hiking, swimming, whatever. But… In the last two years I’ve gained enough weight and lost enough muscle to actually start to feel unhealthy.
My journey to becoming healthy
As of December 2015 I was at 247.6 lbs. (before that it was higher 250+ but December was when I started paying attention) I’m very proud to say that I have been steadily working on my health since then and have lost 15 lbs, and now have enough strength to hike for 4 hours without a break. I have managed to get my food allergies under control enough that my asthma rarely effects me and, best of all, I’m not suicidally depressed anymore.
I was. About two years ago I left what had been my intended career field and floated off into a sea of endless possibilities. Overwhelmed by the choices and yet feeling entirely stuck and devalued without the context of “work” to define me.
Since then it’s been a slow and steady journey to figure out not who I am but who and where I want to be. I’ve rediscovered my confidence, but it’s terribly easy for me to get shoved over by negativity. And I usually need help from you guys to get back to my happy place. I can think of more than a few long conversations on couches that have made a world of difference.
This time- I was miles away from a hug, or a quiet conversation with my friends. Thank goodness my Mom and Sister are amazing and were willing to listen and chat with me.
The comments that hurt
So, do you want to know what stupid little comments knocked me right over? “Oh it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, you were much thinner last time.” and “Why don’t you just eat over the sink like the bachelor you are?”
Dear Uncle,
Screw you.
I may not live in the world of golf clubs, unnecessary forks, and wine that costs as much as my monthly paycheck. I may also not be in what the world considers a healthy BMI, but I AM valid. I AM loved. And I CAN feel good about myself knowing I am improving.
And I’ll never be a dick like you. ^.^
XOXO
Fei
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