Family can be frustrating

As many of you already know, from the twitterverse, I went to go visit family and the experience surprised me. And now I just want to vent for a bit.

The main reason for my trip was to go visit my grandmother, who will be turning 90 years old in  a few months. Her health isn’t great, but she’s actually doing well. Every few months my mom goes down to visit and sometimes she says “Hey, instead of a birthday/anniversary/whatever present, how about I buy you some plane tickets and you come with me to visit Grandma?” The answer is always “Hells Yeah!”

I probably wouldn’t make time to get down there otherwise. There’s always something that’s “super pressingly important” in the way. Nothing’s ever really as important as it seems until you get down to what actually matters. Family, friends, and finding joy. But, family, as many of us know, can be incredibly supportive or your worst critic. My immediate family – Mom, Sister, Dad, Husband – all tell me,  “You’re beautiful.” and “I don’t really understand how your whole art career path is going to work, but I’m proud of you and want to see you succeed anyway.”

Then there’s the extended family members. My uncle, in particular, I have always found very intimidating and have generally dealt with by staying quietly out of the way. Well… now that I’m a “grown-up” conversation seems to be required. And with conversation, comes criticism. Which I don’t really deal with well.

I’ll fill you in a little on the details leading up to what broke me for a minute first.

I have always been a heavier girl. Curves for days, and yes, always on the fluffy side. My mother and sister are both naturally thin and find joy in working out regularly. So they’re fit. Little sis seriously has a six pack. I’ve generally been able to keep up with them though. Biking, hiking, swimming, whatever. But… In the last two years I’ve gained enough weight and lost enough muscle to actually start to feel unhealthy.

My journey to becoming healthy

As of December 2015 I was at 247.6 lbs. (before that it was higher 250+ but December was when I started paying attention) I’m very proud to say that I have been steadily working on my health since then and have lost 15 lbs, and now have enough strength to hike for 4 hours without a break. I have managed to get my food allergies under control enough that my asthma rarely effects me and, best of all, I’m not suicidally depressed anymore.

I was. About two years ago I left what had been my intended career field and floated off into a sea of endless possibilities. Overwhelmed by the choices and yet feeling entirely stuck and devalued without the context of “work” to define me.

Since then it’s been a slow and steady journey to figure out not who I am but who and where I want to be. I’ve rediscovered my confidence, but it’s terribly easy for me to get shoved over by negativity. And I usually need help from you guys to get back to my happy place. I can think of more than a few long conversations on couches that have made a world of difference.

This time- I was miles away from a hug, or a quiet conversation with my friends. Thank goodness my Mom and Sister are amazing and were willing to listen and chat with me.

The comments that hurt

So, do you want to know what stupid little comments knocked me right over? “Oh it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, you were much thinner last time.” and “Why don’t you just eat over the sink like the bachelor you are?”

Dear Uncle,

Screw you.

I may not live in the world of golf clubs, unnecessary forks, and wine that costs as much as my monthly paycheck. I may also not be in what the world considers a healthy BMI, but I AM valid. I AM loved. And I CAN feel good about myself knowing I am improving.

And I’ll never be a dick like you. ^.^

XOXO

Fei

 

Pokémon Go is making me miss old toys

I’ve been playing Pokémon Go almost non-stop since I finally downloaded it a few weeks ago. It’s entirely re-sparked what was once a healthy appreciation with Pokémon into what may be considered an obsession. I’m kind of ok with that though. I’m enjoying the fact that this game forces you to go outside and explore instead of just sit around to play it. That dynamic alone feeds my deeply engrained need to constantly be on the move. It’s like geocaching, just easier to find.

The other thing this has done has made me miss toys from my childhood I used to have. I don’t think any of them made it past the “going to college” purge. Other than Raichu, I think he is still around in a box in the attic somewhere. I hope so.

The one I’m missing most is definitely the Raichu plush. I thought Raichu was one of the cutest. Yep, even cuter than Pikachu. Raichu was chubblier and had that cute gruff voice in the cartoon so that apparently made him cooler.

I also had this sweeeeet Pokémon school supply set at one point. One that looked a lot like this:

Bulbasaur was my favorite out of this batch, because he was a pencil sharpener. So I felt like he was the one who really “got me.” Because, even in middle school, I was determined to be an artist when I grew up. Pikachu was a stapler- but damned if I know what Jigglypuff was there to do. I can’t remember for the life of me. And based on the look on her face— I don’t think she can remember either.

Have you started playing Pokémon go? Has is reawakened your obsession too or are you new to this?

 

 

Art in Catan with Quiver & Prance

Last week (gosh that seems so long ago already) I got to go up and have a nice little chill night with the lovely Prance and Quiver. I’d like to make those art nights a more regular thing. But for now, I’ll have to squeeze it in where I can. And soon these art nights will mean I’ll be learning how to make fursuits from Quiver. She’s absurdly talented, in case you didn’t know.  I mean, just check this beautiful wolf that she made:

Why can’t I get up there more often, well… I’m currently  in the process of moving-  fast-  because my neighborhood went from rough to guns-out-gang-turf-war in the last few months.

 Good news is, we (my husband and I) can just pack up our stuff and book it. Bad news, we don’t quiiiiiite make enough per month to afford an apartment that won’t be in a similarly rough area- yet. I’m working on bringing in more through a very elaborate series of passive and active income streams. More on that later, I suppose. Until we can snag a new home we’ll be living with my in-laws. Which isn’t as bad as it sounds since I actually get along really well with them. I’m weirdly looking forward to this part of the move. The part I’m not looking forward to is sending my cats to my parents’ house to be temporarily adopted. 😦 I’m going to miss my fuzzy babies.

 Part of this move was because I was getting incredibly antsy. I mean, I’ve been living in my current apartment for 5 whole years! That’s crazy. I’ve never lived in one house for that long in my entire life. I was starting to go a little stir-crazy anyway, so the gun violence was just my final straw. Although I would happily take feeling antsy over feeling the need to hide under my desk every time a firework goes off.

Anyway, on to happier things…

While I was up in Jackanope territory I drew a portrait of Prance while we played a round of settlers of Catan. That game, btw, should be avoided if you value your friendships. Since the entire game is based on chance it’s reeeeaaaal easy to end up feeling “Salty” by the end, as Prance would put it.

Here’s a sketch I did of Prance while we were hanging out. I’m really happy with how this came out. The pose has a nice flow to it and I’m really happy with the fur texture. Although I did make a weird cross-hatching mess near his bum. *shrugs*

I plan to color this one digitally so I can correct a few things in the sketch. Like the weird placement of the headphones and the pre-mentioned cross-hatching disaster zone. More on tat in the future.

I’ll talk to you soon! ❤